Where I Began

For some unfortunate reason I've always been predisposed to focus in retrospect on what amounts in my memory to a path of destruction. The collateral damage of selfish motives and recklessness is piled so high in my wake that I've lost sight of where I even began. It's almost paralyzing to stand before a wall of what was and what was never said in rushes of vanity and fear. The love that at times swelled in my heart and enraptured me was rarely carried out by actions or words. I too often failed to share what was so graciously given to me.

The last week I spent at home with my father he spent most of his time sitting quietly in his chair or sleeping in his bed. Though as optimistic as always his spirit was reaching beyond us. I gave him shoulder and back massages a couple times a day which for the moment seemed to relieve his mind of the pain in his body. His son taking care of him. My mind was in Germany and filled with dreams of life in the Army.

I've made a habit of leaving home for extended periods of time to try my hand at some new life over the horizon and then returning home to recuperate. My father and I were well practiced at goodbyes. He would fight a few tears like a defeated lion deceiving himself and I, the adventurous and bold young son would end the hug and be gone. How vividly I can see him watching me drive away.

The morning I left for Germany and the Army he embraced me in such a way that I was instantly the infant he held in his arms the day I was born. I felt the most complete security and perfect love a man is capable of embodying. And my cradled soul knew it would be the last time he would hold me. In that moment he emptied himself into a culmination of love and strength for me and everything God created through him. And I remembered where I began.