keep trying

Sometimes you just have to throw a few words out there on the table like dice. Could add up to something of interest or value...I guess its just another exercise in risk and discovery. But what do I have to risk? I could put comfort and convenience on the line and see what happens. A year in Iraq could produce some fruit.

Heaven knows, the initial excitment of simply being a soldier in the infantry and wearing the uniform has aquired a much grittier texture since basic training...like sandpaper. Getting smoother hurts.... Or maybe I'm just being reduced to my core properties. You know, bare bones. I can say what I mean but the meaning has been seared. In the military personality is like the ashes of a forrest fire: a person's being is reduced to their most sacred sensitivities, compelled by an obsession with inevitability to manifest themselves in humor, sorrow and anger...and often in that order too. Mostly humor though.........

What a bunch of bull shit. Seriously. We hava a 4 mile battalion run tomorrow for which we have to be up at 4:30 a.m. and here I am trying so hard to write something meaningful because I think somebody out there will read it and care. Agonizing and egotistical. I need to find that place where expression is free and careless and truly cathartic. That's the only reason I should be writing here anyway.

Part of me is really pissed off at myself for writing to say something. To write well and witty and insightful bull shit. I want to put words together in a way that leads somewhere...but more like a deserted road to anywhere.